It’s mildly ironic that June is the first month this year that I don’t have any sessions booked; it’s been a weird kind of number of weeks since the last session, at the start of May, and being honest it has been up and down, with a lot more of down.
I’ve also chosen to stop messing about with the hormones. The effect was great but you’ve always got to keep your eyes on what the end-game is. I’m not going to transition; I’m a little too old but also I don’t want to be woman all the time. As I’ve said before the joy and wonder of Sarah is bolstered by the fact that I don’t, contrary to belief, get a lot of time to do it. Last year, for example, I spent 40x more time exercising compared to Sarah time. The hormones were changing my perceptions a lot more than I thought they would; I thought it would be a ‘me feeling more feminine’ but in actuality it changed a lot of the base settings in the brain. Put simply rather than ‘feeling more feminine’ I was ending up feeling ‘a lot less like myself’ which isn’t a path I want to take.
The other irony which I’ve mentioned before is that I really had underestimated just how much of my personal sexuality was based around changing between him to her. The hormone damped down the masculinity, massively, but in my case that, conversely, took away the urge to dress. So, by feminising my appearance and my internal chemistry I was losing the joy and, well, fun of becoming Sarah. That wasn’t the point at all.
So the last four or five weeks have been a rough ride. I wasn’t feeling the urge at all to dress and was very worried that I had kinda broken the fun; the hormonal changes had flicked a switch that couldn’t be reset.
The last couple of weeks it has come back with a vengeance. And again, the irony is that I don’t have any outlet for the huge spikes of urge I’m going through. My next session is on the 13th of July, about five weeks or so, and I’m lucky, if that’s the word, to be seriously busy with work. I’m off to Dublin for a week, which is fun because I don’t fly (so it makes it an epic journey involving jumping on a ferry, which I love – I can swim, I can’t fly.
And that’s a good distraction, but wow, at night and first thing in the morning, when the brain isn’t loaded down with what I need to do or what I haven’t done (morning and evening in that order), I’m getting hit with some serious erotic fantasies.
I think it’s down to my sexuality clicking back in; because of the nature of my ‘odd’ defaults it appears I need a rush of testosterone in order to, and don’t ask me to explain it, want to be Sarah.
I was going to go into some depth around the fantasies, which would be a delightful and obvious side-effect of my ‘Sarah-hornyness’ but I’m not sure I should; it would make this blog decidedly NSFW. At some point, after a couple of beers when I haven’t hidden Sarah’s laptop, I might do one; I’m just terrified of scaring readers off. Let’s just say there’s a lot of ‘weekend wife’ fantasies banging around in my head involving doing everything to keep my dear hubby happy.
Just ask if you want that kind of post…..
Anyway, it’s Pride month which is, on top of my manic, horny, I NEED A DRESS mood at the moment, a bit difficult for me. I work for a brilliant firm that actively celebrates it and I so want to get involved, but I’m still (barely, I know( in the closet at work. And also I feel, being honest, a bit of a fake when it comes to Pride month.
Let me explain that; I have some very dear friends who live T all the time. They can be proud. I have some gay and lesbian friends who have had terrible times in their lives, and they have the right to be proud. Me? At best I’m a weekend wife, maybe once a month. It feels wrong for me to nail my standard to the rainbow flag. That might be an indication of my lack of confidence but it feels wrong of me to jump on their parade. Plus, as I said, there’s no Sarah this month, although she is definitely taking control of bits of my body first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
If you’re celebrating, have a drink for me. I will be quietly smiling for the whole of Pride. Maybe in the future I will find the courage to get more involved.
Stay beautiful and stay true to yourself, whatever that self wants to be…