It’s mildly ironic that June is the first month this year that I don’t have any sessions booked; it’s been a weird kind of number of weeks since the last session, at the start of May, and being honest it has been up and down, with a lot more of down.
I’ve also chosen to stop messing about with the hormones. The effect was great but you’ve always got to keep your eyes on what the end-game is. I’m not going to transition; I’m a little too old but also I don’t want to be woman all the time. As I’ve said before the joy and wonder of Sarah is bolstered by the fact that I don’t, contrary to belief, get a lot of time to do it. Last year, for example, I spent 40x more time exercising compared to Sarah time. The hormones were changing my perceptions a lot more than I thought they would; I thought it would be a ‘me feeling more feminine’ but in actuality it changed a lot of the base settings in the brain. Put simply rather than ‘feeling more feminine’ I was ending up feeling ‘a lot less like myself’ which isn’t a path I want to take.
The other irony which I’ve mentioned before is that I really had underestimated just how much of my personal sexuality was based around changing between him to her. The hormone damped down the masculinity, massively, but in my case that, conversely, took away the urge to dress. So, by feminising my appearance and my internal chemistry I was losing the joy and, well, fun of becoming Sarah. That wasn’t the point at all.
So the last four or five weeks have been a rough ride. I wasn’t feeling the urge at all to dress and was very worried that I had kinda broken the fun; the hormonal changes had flicked a switch that couldn’t be reset.
However…..
The last couple of weeks it has come back with a vengeance. And again, the irony is that I don’t have any outlet for the huge spikes of urge I’m going through. My next session is on the 13th of July, about five weeks or so, and I’m lucky, if that’s the word, to be seriously busy with work. I’m off to Dublin for a week, which is fun because I don’t fly (so it makes it an epic journey involving jumping on a ferry, which I love – I can swim, I can’t fly.
And that’s a good distraction, but wow, at night and first thing in the morning, when the brain isn’t loaded down with what I need to do or what I haven’t done (morning and evening in that order), I’m getting hit with some serious erotic fantasies.
I think it’s down to my sexuality clicking back in; because of the nature of my ‘odd’ defaults it appears I need a rush of testosterone in order to, and don’t ask me to explain it, want to be Sarah.
I was going to go into some depth around the fantasies, which would be a delightful and obvious side-effect of my ‘Sarah-hornyness’ but I’m not sure I should; it would make this blog decidedly NSFW. At some point, after a couple of beers when I haven’t hidden Sarah’s laptop, I might do one; I’m just terrified of scaring readers off. Let’s just say there’s a lot of ‘weekend wife’ fantasies banging around in my head involving doing everything to keep my dear hubby happy.
Just ask if you want that kind of post…..
Anyway, it’s Pride month which is, on top of my manic, horny, I NEED A DRESS mood at the moment, a bit difficult for me. I work for a brilliant firm that actively celebrates it and I so want to get involved, but I’m still (barely, I know( in the closet at work. And also I feel, being honest, a bit of a fake when it comes to Pride month.
Let me explain that; I have some very dear friends who live T all the time. They can be proud. I have some gay and lesbian friends who have had terrible times in their lives, and they have the right to be proud. Me? At best I’m a weekend wife, maybe once a month. It feels wrong for me to nail my standard to the rainbow flag. That might be an indication of my lack of confidence but it feels wrong of me to jump on their parade. Plus, as I said, there’s no Sarah this month, although she is definitely taking control of bits of my body first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
If you’re celebrating, have a drink for me. I will be quietly smiling for the whole of Pride. Maybe in the future I will find the courage to get more involved.
Stay beautiful and stay true to yourself, whatever that self wants to be…
transretrogurl 
Hi Sarah. An interesting post again. You do look very good in housewife / pregnant Sarah styles. iām sure you could do a good post on your thoughts as weekend wife but maybe leave it a BBC Three / CH4 levels of risk. they seem to be able to get away with quite a lot whilst not ending up on the top shelf. My ex wife and I did have a few hectic / exhausting weekends trying to get her pregnant where our nookie quota was used up in just a few hours. Take care.
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I suppose that answers one of the questions we often ask ourselves: if you could flick a switch/take a pill that would make all these feelings go away, would you do it? And for some of us that answer surprisingly turns out to be no, this is all part of who we are and we’d feel a bit incomplete without it.
Absolutely not going to judge you on the ‘weekend wife’ fantasy thing. I have spent far too many hours on Fictionmania for that.
I had the same reservations about celebrating Pride because I wasn’t generally ‘out’ except to a very small circle of people. But you can show the flag and you support as an ally, for your LGB and T friends, even if you’re not yet ready to march down the high street in 3 in heels (but wouldn’t Sarah kinda love that?. I know Susie would if I dared let her).
I do love that blue leotard and shrug outfit. Always had a thing about shrugs. Don’t know why.
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As always, another interesting and thought provoking blog post Sarah. š
I’m kind of sorry to hear that the hormones have been having an adverse effect on your ‘drives’ and thought processes. ā¹ļø
And I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling too. I think it’s our lot in life sometimes. š¤š We do seem to have our ups and downs. I know most people are the same but I don’t know – ours seem even more polarised.
But I am very pleased to hear that your interest is returning and have a session booked in for July. š I just know that you will have an absolutely wonderful time! š
And just so you know, there is a dressing service in Dublin! šš XX
And I totally understand your quiet pride month too. I do what I can to help and promote when I can but I do find it difficult to go full on. š š
Anyway, you know where I am if you ever want a chat sweetie! š
Take care and stay safe my dearest friend. š š ā¤ļø
Fi-Fi
XXXX
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Oh for heaven’s sake woman, you don’t seem to realise the effect that some of us have in this community even if we are not transitioning and not out shaping Canal Street culture every week. You see, being a regular producer of amazing images of outstanding femininity and measured naughtiness, you inspire and reassure thousands of women, young and old, mainly transgender but probably also a few others, to express themselves in the way that they need. Having done so for many years, there is every right for the famous Sarah Lewis to feel PROUD.
I sit back, not transitioning, though modifying my life in certain ways, and going out only occasionally, but regularly offering advice and encouragement; and the occasional raunchy commentary (!); in the online world in a manner that I hope enhances the lives of many transgender women. I am proud of that and I hope that as post-pandemic events emerge from their lull, I shall find a pride event that I can be part of (local one still cancelled this year).
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Here’s a funny thing: I’m now full-time as T and I still would say that you have waaaaay more ‘right’ than I to Pride as a whole. It would be your month more than mine simply because you have known for longer, have been braver in facing what it means to you, have turned things over more and have been able to face yourself. By contrast, I still feel like I would be jumping on your parade, and the parade of others like you mention.
Imposter syndrome is a strange thing.
Joanna
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