It’s been only five days since my last session and already I’m craving another. And that’s not entirely normal, although I do get periods when the femm urges are almost impossible to ignore. Normally in the period between sessions I go through the wave, which I’ve talked about before; the high of just having done it, the low of knowing it will be a while before I can again, the high of seeing the results, the low of knowing those are now the past as opposed to the future as they were when I was eagerly anticipating the session.
Pictured – not going to lie, the results were *fabulous* if I may say so myself.
But this time of year it’s different. Combined with the results of an election that I will not comment on, because I firmly believe that politics is done by the wrong people for the wrong reasons and nothing about it is fair or will change as long as the wrong people are bolstering their pointless careers, and the fact we are at mid-winter and it’s a dark time for a number of reasons.
See, we’ve got it hard-coded into out little monkey brains that Winter is shit. Because for the 99.9999999999% of time man has walked this earth in this particular hemisphere it has been bloody awful. It was the time no crops grew, the land was freezing, where the only thing to look forward to was Spring and the day-to-day job was just surviving the damn season.
That sticks in your genes, I’m afraid. People put a happy face on, and Xmas is almost completely tailored to try and cheer people up, although rampant consumerism and end-stage capitalism means it has become very stressy as opposed to a season of good will.
Pictured – and we all know how cold winter can be when there’s nothing between you and the world except a thin pair of tights…..
If you’ve stuck with me so far, well done, I promise it will get girlie in a bit. But I have to explain why I’m writing this particular post.
I used to love Xmas as a kid. I used to spend most of September onwards looking forward to it, physically making time faster in my mind so I get to all the fun and presents. But as I got older, and realised my home life was a festering pool of mental abuse and damage, Xmas lost its sheen somewhat. Now I have a quiet Xmas with as little stress as possible, because I no longer talk to the majority of my family and I’ve carefully crafted a life and place of living that means I have no physical friends.
But that’s not true of the virtual world. Sarah has hundreds of friends, thousands of followers and millions of hits (I like saying that, gives me a little pink squee moment inside). And a lot of my friends suffer, unduly, in this season.
Pictured – ‘but you look happy in your pictures’. Of course I do 🙂
I don’t suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) but that’s because I’m a miserable person most of the time, unless I’m swishing around in a petticoat and frock which really should tell me something I’m patently ignoring. But a lot of my friends show the signs and, in an online world, that manifests as a deep sadness that I can feel.
So for those people who are down this time of year, I want to talk about the click.
The click is a feeling that only a crossdresser knows. You don’t get it often, but when you do it is like having your soul dripped in honey. For me I get a click quite often, because my choice of outfits combined with Cindy (from Boys Will Be Girls) and her dead-on eye for look means that I see it a lot, but to put it simply a click is when your mind sees you as you think you should be, and there are none of the obvious flaws or giveaways tying you to your normal life.
It’s hard to describe. For instance, at the last session when we finished the makeup prep, finished supergluing the nails on (and I’m literally sat here picking at the rock hard residue on my nails, which is kinda fun because I can do that in meetings and get delicious little thrills), sorted the petticoat, zipped up the gorgeous Snowman Xmas frock and put on and styled the wig. The minute I opened my eyes and saw Sarah in the mirror, in her Xmas get-up, I got the click.
Pictured – yeah, I used this picture in the last blog post but this is ‘the click’
For an instant your body fills with a little puff of heat, like an internal perfume, and your mind glows like a rose. It’s indescribable, says the girl who just described it, but that feeling, that click, is pretty much what I live for.
It tells me I can feel happy. It tells me I can feel complete. It tells me I can feel *something* other than the crushing weight of life in general.
As I said, I don’t get it that often. All the looks I do are great, but some are sublime – the 1940s office worker look we did at the session before last was a prime example of this, the minute I started to pose with the raincoat I was literally near to tears of happiness. There was something glorious about submerging myself into that look, and the look repaying me, that is better than anything in the world.
Pictured – all day, every day I have to be the drab cynic. When I dress like this the click reminds me I don’t have to be driven by societal rules and can be whoever I want, as long as she has access to a good set of retro clothes of course.
I know my friends who are suffering at the moment have felt the same way because I’ve talked to them and they describe the same odd but wonderful sensation of *being*. So this is a quick little blog to help them, and me, remember that this season is genetically bad for us, but there are so many reasons and memories to enjoy.
I had a nightmare last night, a real doozy probably caused by the two cans of Elvis Juice and chunk of cheese I consumed for tea. It involved being stuck in America, a place I’ve never been to, and facing having to ride an airplane home. I’m literally deathly terrified of flying to the point that if someone tells me they are going on a plane I get the chills and shakes. My nightmares reflect this and, having woken me up at 3:30am with a seriously amusing problem of having both legs completely goosebumped which, after a full shave on Tuesday, was like having a bed full of hedgehogs, I found myself lying awake in that mindstate where all the daily shit has gone away and your thinking of the BIG picture.
Pictured – the next paragraph gets heavy so to counter that, fluffy pinkness and girly-ness.
And it occurred to me that I’m way closer to the warmth of the grave than I am even to the mid-point of my life, and that was a serious eye-opener. We’re here once and we really need to shake ourselves and realise that this is the one pass through we get. It’s too easy to let yourself fall back into being completely reactive to the pitfalls of modern life – capitalism does that to you, it strips all the love and wonder and makes you a little money-seeking machine in order to fill other people’s pockets with money. There’s no love, passion, wonder or humanity there. I say it at the end of every post but this time of year it’s so, so important to remember it:
STAY BEAUTIFUL, be true to yourself, and listen for the click. Be safe and as happy as you can be this holiday season, after the 18th December the year will turn and we’re off to Spring and Summer, and all the lovely floral sundresses we can find…..
Pictured – I also hate Summer but for completely different reasons. To do with perspiring because, of course, women don’t sweat…..
4 thoughts on “[Philosophy] SADness and the Click”
Really enjoyed the theme of this blog as very timely and accurate, in addition to being wonderfully written.
When can we expect the Novel, “A life dreaming of Kitty Claws” ?
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good explanation of where we are ; have a thoughfuland peaceful time i like you already amassing dreses for spring and summer xx
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Once again Sarah, your beautifully shadowed and mascara’d, perceptive eye shows the truth of our lot. It’s true that the darkness of these days take their toll on us all. And I am talking about more than one type of darkness. I think I understand a lot of what you’re saying as I’m one of those that you have been talking to. X
And despite my best efforts to try and keep my ideal of Christmas upbeat like say “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt, it does seem to becoming more and more each year, “I Believe in Father Christmas” by Greg Lake. 😔
I can tell you that the dying of the dark can’t come quickly enough!
I want to “Ring Out Solstice Bells”! 😉
And look forward to brighter days. 🙂
Take care of yourself Sarah. And the best of festive cheers to you and yours for Christmas and the New Year. 🙂 😘
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A very good explanation of what you’ve identified and termed ‘the click’. I get that too sometimes, a sense of being, truly belonging in that outfit in that moment. When ‘the click’ occurs it usually means I cancel the remainder of my outfit shooting schedule and spend the day in that outfit, savoring that elusive feeling. Sometimes I will return to that outfit seeking the moment again.
Keep putting these feelings into words, you are so good at it.
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