Section 1: Getting to know the girl.
1: What’s your full name. And why?
Tina Martini. The why is a long story, but to cut it short(ish), at my first decent makeover in 2016 I was told I needed a girl name. Can you believe I had never even thought about it? Tina Martini immediately came to mind. This was because I was in a rock band in the eighties and in early 2012 I visited London and we had a band reunion and decided to make a retrospective album (from a distance, as I was in Australia and they were all in different parts of the UK).
We started a Facebook page for the band (“Friends of The ****”) then each of us invented a few fictitious Facebook fans to post made up stories about the band’s heyday and build its hype and mystique. I created Tina Martini who was a bit of a wild child and had a crush on the keyboard player. The name just seemed to have the ring of an upper crust groupie. The Tina I created then, friended lots of random people (only one ever refused and asked who the f** I was!) , posted mad stories about gigs, wild adventures and parties with the band, and shared them with the new friends, as I say, to really build up and extend the hype as if we had been some major influence on the music scene at the time.
So I guess it was natural that her name came back to me on the spur of the moment. We still haven’t made that album and the band are blissfully unaware of my Tina alter ego!
2: How long have you been dressing?
Since age 12, in my (several) sisters’ school uniforms etc.. I grew up in a very religious family, though, and when I got caught I found myself in a lot of unpleasant hot water. My parents had tried and tried to eventually breed a boy so I guess I can understand their disappointment that their only son seemed hell bent on being a girl too.
I decided to live a ‘normal’ life after that and I did, for 45 years, with a permanent latent desire to get dressed up and the inevitable occasional lapse into actually doing it. I came out to my wife three years ago and my son last year (I’m not out apart from that). My life has been amazing since, but I don’t think it would have been so easy if I had come out when I was younger. Mm a fair sprinkling of clues about my age there. No spring chicken….
3: What’s your super-heroine origin story?
Showing my age again here, and I must have been just out of nappies, but I remember seeing the film of Gypsy Rose Lee with Natalie Wood in the title role. I think it was the first thing that opened my eyes to female sexuality and glamour. As I grew older I realised that it was for myself that I wanted it!
4: What was the first piece of female clothing you bought, and how scary was it to buy it?
In the mid eighties, alongside the 0898 phone sex ads towards the back of the papers, I used to see an advertisement for ‘East of Eden’, a fetish clothing shop in Clerkenwell Road in London. I eventually plucked up courage to go there in a lunchtime as it was quite near where I worked. I walked past many times before I dared enter the building, furtively checking all around first, in case someone from work saw me. I bought a white corset (excellent), a black latex ‘body’ with built in suspenders because it had nipples (useless) and two pairs of shoes. The black patent courts were fine but the white ones had six inch heels and were a size too small and I bust them trying to put them on.
I was surprised to see other men buying stuff when I was in there and even trying it on. How naive I was! It was expensive and I didn’t have much spare cash in those days (and it was cash, as I had a joint account with my wife and didn’t want to be discovered via a bank or credit card statement). Of course I hid them in the loft and then purged them after a few months, a recurring theme through my married life until recently, and the guilt only doubled with the waste of hard earned money when I threw things away, and knowing it was inevitable I would go through it all again.
As for shopping for girl things in normal shops, I only started in the last three years and have never felt self conscious. In fact if I get the chance I like to talk to the female shop assistants about myself and show off by showing them my Tina pics! Especially as I am over three score years.
5: Tranny, cross-dresser, t-girl or something else? And why?
Tgirl I suppose. I dislike labels though. I’ve never met two of ‘us’ the same. Gender fluid maybe? Sometimes I am a girl, sometimes a boy. I am a supporter of trans rights so I try not to upset people by using the wrong label…. it can be like walking on eggs. I don’t really mind what I get called, though, I’ll answer to most things. Decrepit old slapper is beyond the pale though.
6: Where do you see yourself in ten years? Fabulous or drab?
Fab of course, like Joanie. I’ll be in my seventies. I’m proud of how I look for my age, darling!
Section 2: Fashion, fashion, fashion.
7: Dress or separates? And why?
Separates. I love a blouse and skirt. Sexy office look – my god I would love to turn up to work like that one day, shock the blokes and rev up the girls. Having said that, most of my Tina jaunts are evening and night time so Tina is most often seen in pretty dresses and I love them too. I love fashion in general and wish I could have been a model.
8: Heels or flats? And why?
Oh heels. Love to show off my legs, and there is nothing better than a pair of stilettos to do that! I have a few pairs of flats but they are gathering dust. Just can’t bring myself to wear them. Boring.
9: Studs or hoops? For your ears, of course…. And why?
Hoops. Or danglies. Studs are pointless as I prefer long wigs and they would be hidden. I had my ears pierced last year – not really relevant to the question but it’s difficult to wear bigger heavier earrings as clip ons. I wear studs permanently now as a male.
10: Tights or stockings? And why?
Stockings. Cos they’re sexy and it’s one less layer to peel off in the loo. Not to be flashed too much while out and about though. I may be a reconstituted groupie but I’m not a complete tart!
11: Taffeta or leather? And why?
Taffeta I suppose. I love those flouncy feminine looks. Having said that I just purchased my first real leather outfit from Leatherotics. Know what? I love most feminine clothing as long as it’s glamorous. I do find it hard to choose between answers to these questions. I have an insane array of different outfits and more shoes than Imelda Marcos.
12: Tight bodycon just down to the mid-thigh, or full circle skirt and a petticoat? And why?
I used to buy bodycon dresses but have tended to move away from them. I like more ornate outfits. So the latter, I guess. I just ordered some made to measure Lolita dresses..
13: Baby doll nightie or pink satin pyjamas? And why?
I don’t wear anything at night. I’ve never got into sleeping en femme. Once the makeup‘s off I’m back to male: I guess it’s all or nothing for me. Having said that, I really ought to try it. I might like it. But if it’s just for show it would have to be the baby doll. Glam!
Section 3: Gay abandon and naughtiness. Remember you have three ‘bugger off’ cards.
14: A boy, a girl and a t-girl walk into a bar. Who do you make a pass at? And why?
I don’t do that, that stuff just happens. That’s why I joined a rock band as a boy, girls just fall at your feet, don’t you know? And anyway I’m happily married. But to get to what I think you’re driving at, in my fantasies, both the tgirl and the girl. Threesome maybe? Sorry boys, not into men.
15: Wine tasting – spit or swallow? And why?
Oh swallow. A waste unless it’s rubbish wine. I’ve been on a few wine tasting trips and half the fun is the banter on the bus after a few wineries have been stormed!
16: Assuming you don’t mind admirers, a rich one whisks you away and offers you a million ‘whatever currency you use’ to either have extensive facial cosmetic surgery or gender re-assignment. Which would you take, or would you just steal the money and go on a clothing shopping bender?
Mm tough one. Facial cosmetic surgery I think. My wife would hate to read that, though in her heart of hearts she would know it’s something I would like, especially if Tina is to last into my dotage. Re the other options, got too many clothes and I don’t want to transition.
Section 4: The scent of perfume, a history truth or fib. Remember you have three ‘bugger-off’ cards, unless you answered none of the naughty ones.
17: When you’ve been dressed, which toilet have you used? If you haven’t, which toilet would you use?
Women’s, always. It’s great to be able to use them and check my makeup etc., and so far I have found girls so cool to chat with when I am Tina. Standing in grubby urinals? No thanks! Tina is not a man.
18: What’s the most embarrassing moment you can share?
I’m quite confident and don’t embarrass easily, so this is difficult. I wore 7 inch platforms to a Christmas do in 2017 on one of the piers in Sydney Harbour and tripped on the first of about 50 steps up it, sending my right shoe flying and ending up in a heap. I wasn’t hurt but my pride was, as I thought I looked so pro walking around in them. I am close to retirement age, though, you know.
19: What’s the most amusing moment you can share?
Maybe the above – I don’t have anything truly hilarious to share. Although perhaps at Freedom club in London with my friends Steffie and Anna: after a few drinks and having watched Anna’s amazing performance on the pole, I decided to have a go myself.
I tried to get my feet up to the ceiling and hang upside down (with my dress hanging over my face and my scaffolding showing!), not realising how difficult it is to grip the pole. I slipped and flew off but somehow managed to land like a cat, despite wearing the usual stilettos. God knows how I didn’t seriously injure myself. I am nearly 80 you know.
20: No guilt, no repercussions – if you could have an intimate night with one celebrity, who would it be and why?
I might half play a ‘bugger off’ card here. I have a seriously naughty fantasy but instead I will say Violet Chachki because she is so beautiful and sexy, but also would have a lot of tips to give me about makeup and body shaping.
Section 5: Free form femininity.
In less than 100 words, describe your feminine self.
I’m a confident and genuine girl who cares about others and tries to give something to our ‘community’. I’m creative and will plug my music video and website here – visit tinamartini.com and my YouTube channel!
I have a saucy side but I keep it in check because I truly adore my wife and appreciate the freedoms she has allowed me, including my own rented apartment which she helped set up with my ridiculously overstocked wardrobe. I love to party but am at my best one to one. I’m getting on for 90 so making up for lost time!
In less than 100 words, describe your ultimate femm fantasy
Away from naughtier ideas (the other half of the ‘bugger off’ card being played here), I love feminine clothes so much and want to try and show off as many outfits as I can. I wish I had a younger and more naturally feminine face and would have loved to have been a forerunner of Andreja Pejic. If had been single and had the money I would have had facial feminisation surgery when I was much younger, and tried my hand at modelling. Imagine being Andreja! Oh and I would love to have real boobs, too.
Final comments for the Bitchfinder General.
I guess you didn’t find a competitor for the biggest bitch here, but it’s the real me and I hope it’s of some interest to Retrogirl’s fans! Tina ‘nice gurl’ Martini xxx.
PS I am well on the way to my century. But when you think about it, Tina is only 3. How bizarre.