transretrogurl

So, a bit of a change. I’ve been a little, well, deep and dark lately and life is too short for that level of gothic seriousness all the time. So, I’m resurrecting an old concept I had *but* extending it somewhat.

I’ve come up with a little tongue-in-cheek questionnaire that tickles the knowledge taste-buds, and I’m going to ask people to fill it in as a little treat between my infrequent rants and wobbles here.

But to make it fair, I’m turning the lash-lidden eye of the Bitch-Finder Generaless on myself first…..

Pictured – I kinda imagine this is the outfit the BFG would wear

But first the rules. The questionnaire is a set of carefully worded questions designed to weed out the trans from the drab – each ‘victim’ has three ‘bugger-off’ cards that they can choose to play rather than answer questions. This lets people keep a degree of privacy if they need it.

There are five sections – ‘Getting to know the girl’, ‘Fashion, Fashion, Fashion’, ‘Gay Abandon and Naughtiness’, ‘The Scent of Perfume/History Truth or Fib’ and ‘Free Form Femininity’. Again, there are three ‘get out of jail free’ cards if people don’t want to answer the questions.

So, let the first victim be brought forth…..

Section 1: Getting to know the girl.

1: What’s your full name. And why?

Sarah Lewis, Ms or Mrs depending on the role I want to play. I had a number of names when I was re-emerging from my self-imposed exile from frocks and interestingly beforehand I didn’t have a femm name. I ended up with Sarah because it was the name of the first ever girlfriend I had (in 1977 at age eight) and Lewis because it’s not that far from my drab second name.

2: How long have you been dressing?

Well, from age 6 until age 22 or so I was an occasional cross-dresser. Then I slipped back out of the velvet closet in March 2014, so Sarah has only been active, really, for five years.

3: What’s your super-heroine origin story?

I can skip this one, go look at the blog post a couple of weeks ago 🙂

Pictured – and this was pretty much my super-heroine uniform for the origin story

4: What was the first piece of female clothing you bought, and how scary was it to buy it?

I bought a white 1980’s style office blouse and a black pencil skirt from Transformation in Bristol in the mid nighties. And it was terrifying for so many reasons – getting into the shop was an exercise in terror (I walked past at least five times before diving in like a raincoat wearing punter in 1970’s Soho), talking to the people behind the counter was much harder than I had anticipated (and in a much deeeper voice than normal because for some reason I was trying to subconsciously prove something about my levels of testosterone while I bought a blouse, skirt, couple of TV magazines and a video called ‘Gay Transvestites’ – go figure), but mostly because it was the first day of opening and, unbeknown to me, the local ITV news crew was filming the day from the outside. Fast forward a couple of hours and I’m sat on the sofa at my parents with my then girlfriend when an article comes on the news about ‘the new shop where men can be women for a little while’. I have *never* felt the cold rush of fear more than that moment as I sat there and watched the entire thirty seconds of footage they had taken of the front door of the shop, waiting for inevitable moment where drab me would scurry out and hurriedly head towards my Mk3 Escort. Of course, they were a little more understanding of that in terms of the footage, but you just don’t know, do you?

5: Tranny, cross-dresser, t-girl or something else? And why?

Something different. To be honest, I hate labels in all aspects of life, they are limiting and especially in our little coven of existence I think they are actually harming. But if I had to be pressed, Gender Fluid Retro Queen will do nicely, thanks.

Pictured – Retro Queen, I like that….

6: Where do you see yourself in ten years? Fabulous or drab?

Drabulous. I’m not the kind of girl who needs or wants to be fully feminine in my day to day life – for me dressing is a fine wine that the drab idiot I am 99% of the time needs to have to differentiate between normal existence and fabulous fun.

Section 2: Fashion, fashion, fashion.

7: Dress or separates? And why?

Dresses, always. I’ve tinkered occasionally with separates, but to me the idea of a single piece of fabric, the flowing skirt part of the clothing, is just sublime. Separates feels a bit like cheating 🙂

Pictured – but there are exceptions 🙂

8: Heels or flats? And why?

For my sins, heels always. Amusingly I seem to have lost an inch or so over the years, possibly down to the settling of my John Cleese-like frame, but I’m still six foot one inch before I strap on a gorgeous pair of f*ck-me heels and scrape the door frame as I sashay underneath it. And *that’s* why I love heels. As an aside, they are ridiculously silly pieces of fashion, you cannot run in them without endangering your ankles and they make you feet genuinely hurt like you’ve been tortured but still, glorious.

9: Studs or hoops? For your ears, of course…. And why?

Not pierced so I have to go with clip-ons, but I’ve always been a little turned on (read – *very* turned on) by big dangling hoops. Again, those, a frock, heels, they all seem to be the archetypal girl look.

10: Tights or stockings? And why?

Stockings! When I started sneaking a bit of cross-dressing when I was very young I started with tights, and I always find tights difficult to put on. Especially with my height, I tend to end up with low-hanging banana hammock. I *love* stay-up stockings rather than a belt, although I always tend to end up with nappy rash after a dressing session as the sticky ring of the stay-up always seems to annoy the freshly shaved bit of my upper thigh. But *totally* worth it. And, to lower the tone of the conversation, *way* easier to have a pee when wearing stay-ups.

11: Taffeta or leather? And why?

Ooo, difficult choice. Retro-queen me is all about the taffeta, but the couple of times I’ve worn a leather frock have been indescribably sublime and deliciously fun. So I’d have to go…..leather.

Pictured – yeah, leather 🙂

12: Tight bodycon just down to the mid-thigh, or full circle skirt and a petticoat? And why?

You have to ask? Petticoat and full circle skirt every time. I have nothing against the bodycon frock but they are too trendy for me – Sarah is obsessed with retro lifestyle, partly because to me that look just sums up femininity, but also because the feel of retro clothes is something else. Plus every time I put on a tight bodycon you can kinda see the bit where I don’t have internal sexual organs, if you know what I mean. 🙂

13: Baby doll nightie or pink satin pyjamas? And why?

Baby-doll. I barely wear PJs in drab, and I love the sexiness of a short fluffy baby-doll nightie.

Section 3: Gay abandon and naughtiness. Remember you have three ‘bugger off’ cards.

14: A boy, a girl and a t-girl walk into a bar. Who do you make a pass at? And why?

Drab me – the girl. Sarah – the boy. I seem to fall down on the heterosexual orientation of the gender I’m wearing, so Sarah loves the idea of hanging off the arm of a man, whereas drab me claims to still be ‘straight’, but that’s a matter of perspective. Also, I don’t think of t-girls as, well, t-girls. To me a t-girl is a girl, but my mind is a little binary that way.

15: Wine tasting – spit or swallow? And why?

Swallow, always. After all the effort to grow the seed and cultivate the wine it would be a total shame not to enjoy the whole ‘wine’ experience.

16: Assuming you don’t mind admirers, a rich one whisks you away and offers you a million ‘whatever currency you use’ to either have extensive facial cosmetic surgery or gender re-assignment. Which would you take, or would you just steal the money and go on a clothing shopping bender?

I’m terrified of operations, having had way too many as a kid, but, if I conquered my fears, I’d have to go for the extensive facial cosmetic surgery. One of my personal fantasies, which can never really be realised, is to have those fully plumped lips, tight cheekbones and delicate chin of a model/sexualised pornstar.

Section 4: The scent of perfume, a history truth or fib. Remember you have three ‘bugger-off’ cards, unless you answered none of the naughty ones.

17: When you’ve been dressed, which toilet have you used? If you haven’t, which toilet would you use?

Both 🙂 Whenever I can when I’m out I use the ladies, as it is part of the experience. But when I was at Torture Garden (the one and only time I’ve been), fully glammed up in a tight leather dress, the queue for the ladies was insane and there was no queue for the gents, so I broke the illusion, stood at the tray in my patent leather heels, hiked up the frock and peed like a bloke. But that was because I was corset-desperate for a pee.

18: What’s the most embarrassing moment you can share?

Gender play with my first partner, her wearing my suit, me wearing her receptionist uniform with full makeup and heels. She teased me into orgasm with a bit of O, then surprised me by kissing me and depositing my ‘stuff’ into my mouth before I knew what was going on. I panicked, ran out of the living room to ascend the stairs so I could spit the awful tasting stuff (yeah, yeah) into the toilet and tripped on the stairs, falling face down and smashing my nose and, in the moment of tripping, swallowing. Not my finest or most controlled moment.

19: What’s the most amusing moment you can share?

See above….

20: No guilt, no repercussions – if you could have an intimate night with one celebrity, who would it be and why?

Going to buck the trend on this one given my ‘Sarah desperate for a shag’ answers so far – Dita Von Teese. In an instant. Everything about her is gorgeous.

Section 5: Free form femininity.

In less than 100 words, describe your feminine self.

Retro loving, sweetly innocent, old-fashioned woman with a taste for lipstick, heels and petticoats.

Pictured – a photo that hopefully matches a hundred words

In less than 100 words, describe your ultimate femm fantasy

Attending the Goodwood Revival in full retro getup, Victory Rolls, gorgeous tea-dress, dancing on film with a hunk in military uniform.

Final comments for the Bitchfinder General.

Yeah, I’ll skip this section as me talking to me talking to femm me talking to me is starting to get a little bit like a perfumed Inception….

Stay beautiful sweeties, more of these to come from some of the most wonderful and interesting girls out there…..