Apologies for the quietness, I’ve been doing stupid hours of work and having one of those moments.
You know, when you start to question what you are doing. Even after explaining to myself the wonder and thrill of being able to accept and be Sarah, I still get the good old guilt and worry rearing its head, especially when I’m tired.
And boy, am I tired. So tired I’ve been hallucinating. Nothing fun, just dancing words on webpages, odd colours and the like. And moments of ‘what the hell am I doing?’.
I’ll tell you what I am doing – I’m finally enjoying myself. I thought for a bit that the worry, the hiding, the fear were all part of the thrill of being Sarah, of letting her out and worrying about being found out, being ridiculed and pointed out.
But that’s not the way it is. Society is finally becoming more accepting around the ‘trans’ community. LGBT is now a flag to be waved, a cause to be championed and almost globally accepted. To a point.
My concerns that keep creeping in are mote about losing me. I have a very well developed personality away from the frocks, and I’ve found it being slightly eroded lately. I find myself have soft mannerisms, smiling more, and that’s not who I am. Or at least, who I was.
But sod it, that’s a worry for another day. Right now I have a busy week ahead, off to Scotland for business and then, at the end of the week, having some proper fun.
And hence the title of the blog-post. I’ve managed to find and get hold of a latex, realistic breastplate.
Only problem is that it is literally a skin-coloured scuba-suit with boobs. Getting it on is a challenge and once it is on it really doesn’t want to come off. Plus side is that it looks stunning, as long as you have a choker on – it goes from mid neck, hiding the Adam’s apple, down to just under the ribs. With a waist-cincher on it looks very natural, and my intention on the first day of a couple of sessions is to wear some of those outfits I’ve never been able to do due to lack of cleavage.
Second day of the session is more terrifying. I’m going to choose a look and an outfit, and go out and party. Party might end up being sitting in a dark corner of a trans-club drinking myself silly to counter the fear, or I may get confidence and dance, chat, interact.
So a confession. I’ve *never* been in a gay/trans club in my life. I’ve very rarely met trans people – I have no idea what a trans-club will be like, no idea what the clientele will be like and am already uncomfortable and stressed by London, so wahey, that’s going to be an experience.
Part of me is just saying ‘chill, enjoy’. Part of me is running around inside my head shouting and panicking. Think I need to take a chill-pill and just let it flow over me.
And then I might stop. For a bit.
In some ways I’ve done too much. It’s very exciting and I’m loving it but, like a nice bottle of wine, I need to slow down, savour and enjoy.
I have a personality that tends to obsess. If I like something I will do it to excess and the love and warmth wears down until it becomes normal. So I’m going to take a step back, see what Sarah says and wants. I need to make it so I don’t feel my self is melting away, and also that when I become Sarah it doesn’t feel like ‘normal’. I want Sarah to be an utter thrill, special, and to do that I need to make her precious.
But enough seriousness. This week coming I will get to dress up as a Disney Princess, a German beer-hall girl, Alice in Wonderland, a busty secretary and, hopefully, a sexy club-goer. Time to relax, close my eyes, and let Sarah do her stuff.
Stay beautiful sweeties, and be true to yourself, whoever she or he is.
One thought on “A wetsuit with nipples….”
Hey Sarah it is me again, Jennifer leaving another comment. I hope I don’t over do my welcome to make comments. I want you to know that I feel and many others most likely do have those same feelings of guilt. I think many us try to just brush them away but when they don’t go, we tend to scrub them harder and I am no different. What I mean is that we ferociously try to do more not to feel those guilty feelings by doing more to present ourselves as this alter ego till it eventually consumes us and there is nothing left of the male we once were. I know that many days I wish this maleness was consumed in a fire of femininity. I’m sure you have had those days. Some might say what we do is not a sin, but I’m not convinced that it’s not or we wouldn’t have guilt. I don’t know if you grew up with faith and religion but I did and am still faithful and devoted to my best right now even though I have started back into dressing. What is happening in my opinion is that we think that if the world can except trans related issues that those guilty feelings will eventually go away. We believe that it is the world we live in that gives us those feelings and we want them to stop making us feel that way, so we can be trans or what ever we describe ourselves as. So the trans community is pushing harder. If we believe that, then I think we are being false to ourselves. People don’t care all that much about the issue but we do, thinking if we can except that part of ourselves as who we really are then the guilt will subside. Eventually it will if we totally give into Jennifer or Sarah and become them. That is my understanding. I don’t know if you want to have a conversation about this but I know its on my heart and mind as I can see it is in yours. Be careful with your outing enjoy your Sarah time.
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