Apologies for the quietness, I’ve been doing stupid hours of work and having one of those moments.
You know, when you start to question what you are doing. Even after explaining to myself the wonder and thrill of being able to accept and be Sarah, I still get the good old guilt and worry rearing its head, especially when I’m tired.
And boy, am I tired. So tired I’ve been hallucinating. Nothing fun, just dancing words on webpages, odd colours and the like. And moments of ‘what the hell am I doing?’.
I’ll tell you what I am doing – I’m finally enjoying myself. I thought for a bit that the worry, the hiding, the fear were all part of the thrill of being Sarah, of letting her out and worrying about being found out, being ridiculed and pointed out.
But that’s not the way it is. Society is finally becoming more accepting around the ‘trans’ community. LGBT is now a flag to be waved, a cause to be championed and almost globally accepted. To a point.
My concerns that keep creeping in are mote about losing me. I have a very well developed personality away from the frocks, and I’ve found it being slightly eroded lately. I find myself have soft mannerisms, smiling more, and that’s not who I am. Or at least, who I was.
But sod it, that’s a worry for another day. Right now I have a busy week ahead, off to Scotland for business and then, at the end of the week, having some proper fun.
And hence the title of the blog-post. I’ve managed to find and get hold of a latex, realistic breastplate.
Only problem is that it is literally a skin-coloured scuba-suit with boobs. Getting it on is a challenge and once it is on it really doesn’t want to come off. Plus side is that it looks stunning, as long as you have a choker on – it goes from mid neck, hiding the Adam’s apple, down to just under the ribs. With a waist-cincher on it looks very natural, and my intention on the first day of a couple of sessions is to wear some of those outfits I’ve never been able to do due to lack of cleavage.
Second day of the session is more terrifying. I’m going to choose a look and an outfit, and go out and party. Party might end up being sitting in a dark corner of a trans-club drinking myself silly to counter the fear, or I may get confidence and dance, chat, interact.
So a confession. I’ve *never* been in a gay/trans club in my life. I’ve very rarely met trans people – I have no idea what a trans-club will be like, no idea what the clientele will be like and am already uncomfortable and stressed by London, so wahey, that’s going to be an experience.
Part of me is just saying ‘chill, enjoy’. Part of me is running around inside my head shouting and panicking. Think I need to take a chill-pill and just let it flow over me.
And then I might stop. For a bit.
In some ways I’ve done too much. It’s very exciting and I’m loving it but, like a nice bottle of wine, I need to slow down, savour and enjoy.
I have a personality that tends to obsess. If I like something I will do it to excess and the love and warmth wears down until it becomes normal. So I’m going to take a step back, see what Sarah says and wants. I need to make it so I don’t feel my self is melting away, and also that when I become Sarah it doesn’t feel like ‘normal’. I want Sarah to be an utter thrill, special, and to do that I need to make her precious.
But enough seriousness. This week coming I will get to dress up as a Disney Princess, a German beer-hall girl, Alice in Wonderland, a busty secretary and, hopefully, a sexy club-goer. Time to relax, close my eyes, and let Sarah do her stuff.
Stay beautiful sweeties, and be true to yourself, whoever she or he is.