transretrogurl

Sooo, after a number of years of umming and ahhing I finally started an OnlyFans site. Not for revenue, as the tax-man eats most of my earnings anyway, but because I have 80k odd pictures sat sadly on my various laptops and backup disks doing nothing, and I don’t like flooding sites with lots of the same shoot (except in some circumstances; I have a soft spot for housewife looks).

Pictured – obsessed with the housewife look, moi, darling?

People have been asking me to do it for a while but I’ve always held back because, oddly, I *hate* asking for money for things. It’s part of my whole anxiety crap; in addition to being biologically and psychologically ‘indeterminate’ I also get real OCD about owing people things.

Cue a funny (for you, not me) story – whenever I have a sesh, be it at Cinder’s or Patti’s, I am 100% not comfortable until I have paid. In the old days I used to take a wad of cash, often in fives or tens, and would count it out on the floor of Cinder’s place like a drug deal. In some way it was; cash for endorphins. Now I have an app on my phone and I always pay before I change.

Pictured – nothing to do with the paragraphs before or after, I just love this retro dress from Unique Vintage in the States.

Last session but one I wracked up at Cinder’s having spent the last night drinking with her and her partner until, well, let’s just say it was very quiet walking back to hotel (or 1:30am, same difference). I was, being honest, a little tender; I don’t tend to sleep well in hotel rooms anyway, so I woke up at 4:00am. And 5:00am. And 6:00am. So I was tired and a little, cough, hungover.

We started the session (with a string coffee for both of us), and she had just done the foundation, which makes me look like an albino who has just got a massive tax bill, and I remembered I hadn’t paid her. So I got the phone out, and hit the first problem.

Pictured – spoiler alert; facial recognition doesn’t work on your phone when you are wearing a lot of makeup….

I have facial recognition. And it didn’t. So I had to enter my six-digit passcode. Which is, well, entertaining when you have an inch long red talons. After I muddled my way through that, I fired up the bank app.

Which has facial recognition. And it, as well, didn’t. Eventually I remembered my pin and after three attempts, at which the app was threatening to cut me off, I got in and paid, and phew, I could relax into Sarah.

But anyway, I digress. I started the OnlyFans so I could have 100% control over what I put up as well. Instagram has been playing silly buggers; I posted a picture where one of my nipples was visible and they took it down *and* instantly removed my ability to tag shops in my pictures, which I thought was a bit draconian. X, or Twitter as every sane person without an Electric Car company calls it, is a little more (i.e. completely open) lenient, but it still feels odd posting nine pictures of stylish Sarah followed by a Sissy Girl look.

Pictured – like this…

Fetlife is good, but Fetlife is hard to scan back through; I wanted somewhere where I could just put lots of stuff up, and OnlyFans seemed the right place. I feel like a sellout already, but that’s just old me knocking on the door on the inside of my head and asking to come in.

Anyway, it’s available at https://onlyfans.com/u117078921 if you’re interested. The plan is to try and get as many of my shoots there with all the pictures; I will probably hit an upper limit at some point but until then it’s post-a-tastic.

Pictured – plus it gives me a chance to dig out my older, fun archive pictures – in this one I was actually inhaling a condom as I forgot that when you breathe in with a condom between your lips it will unroll and et voila, a throat full of spermicide covered latex

Also, I did a session last weekend before a mad week of work (and my drab birthday; turned 55 and for a present got more grey hair in my ‘growing back after the session’ stubble) involving a day in London, a train to Paris, two hectic days walking around the city (9km in 21C temp in March was, well, eye-opening) and a Friday evening travel adventure to get back from the continent to the wilds of Herefordshire.

The session was needed. I have had some weird gut issues (still going) for a while now, feels like IBS and, given the travel which I hate and some other things on the calendar, my stress is pretty much at max, even with the help of the happy pills. So the session was a ‘put it all aside and have some fun’ one.

I’ve put some weight on; long story – I ate and drank a lot over Xmas, and then promised myself I’d exercise. Cue a January of, well, not exercising. I then signed up for a ‘walk 100 miles in February’ charity thingy for Cats Protection, and, because I can’t do anything sensibly, proceeded to bang out 100 miles in 13 days. I screwed my ankle, badly. In a week and a half I have to run the London Landmarks Half Marathon, and right now I can barely stand on the ankle, so, in an insane logic way, I haven’t exercised so as not to completely damage the ankle before I completely damage the ankle doing the half marathon. There’s some logic there. I think.

Pictured – also, tottering around in high heels with a wobbly ankle is a lot of fun.

Anyway, I am over my target weight and feeling a little portly, but I promised myself I’d not let it affect the session. The last blog post introduced Betsy, a character that I feel I am gravitating to a lot now, but we did a number of other fun looks as well. I was in an adventurous mood, and it showed.

We started with yet another Kitty dress. Back in the day I had a lovely chiffon Kitty in dark purple, you may remember it from some of the early blog posts. I loved it but it was big and both myself and Cindy took to calling it ‘the sack’, which was a little harsh. Vivien of Holloway re-released the look with a new body shape, and I jumped at the chance of buying a wine coloured one.

Pictured – fun fact; put this up on Instagram and tagged BrewDog and DogHouseManchester (where I stay when I go for Manchester sessions) and they both liked it. Which gave me an absurd rush of pleasure.

It felt *gorgeous*. The skirt stands out by itself, without a petticoat, and the fabric is to die for. We did the look with one of Cindy’s ‘Wig in the City’ hairpieces, the ‘long Marilyn’ one which I have a soft spot for, and the whole ensemble was, well, a little ‘squee’. Superb start of the session, and we did some photos on the stairs.

We didn’t go outside though. Turns out Cinders was having a bit of a nervous day; the tables had turned entirely, in the old days I was the one who was terrified of going outside. I kinda agree with her; a gushing 6ft 2in transvestite fully glammed-up in retro frocks and insanely happy is pretty much going to be seen.

For the second look we did something very cool. I had a sleeveless floral dress from Collectif that was adorably ‘body-con’, and fancied doing a ‘Karen’.

Pictured – ‘Where *is* my husband?? I may have to withhold his weekly oral for this’

For those who don’t know, ‘Karen’ is a meme/set of memes that did the rounds a while back, involving an overly self-entitled every-day woman having a breakdown at something utterly trivial, like a coffee being too cold, and acting like it was the end of the world and she was scarred for life. I loved the idea of having a housewifey (modern) hairstyle and doing a ‘Karen’, so we did and it was a riot. Cue 20 mins of me sighing, bitching about my husband being late ‘as usual’, complaining about the way my hairdresser had *destroyed* my hair, etc etc. It’s a secret pleasure to be a spoilt brat.

We then did the Betsy shoot, which was mind-blowing. Part of me wanted to stay Betsy for the rest of the session, and that part needs to be examined in detail, but I’d been eyeing a new and incredibly ‘sissy’ frock Cinders had bought.

Pictured – way too cute but also way too much fun to wear and play the sissy-girl in

It was way to small, way too sissy to be serious; basically it was a baby-doll dress in pink satin, and Cinders had bought a huge pink bow to go with it, So, we could resist a bit of fun; white stockings, pink sissy heels, the frock, the bow, the pink Teddy Bear that lives at Cinder’s and a twisted sense of humour (and ability to both pose and suck my thumb), and et voila, a kinky and sexy look.

We then had another dealers choice – Cindy had bought a posh red frock, a little 1970’s (gorgeous sleeves and button cuffs), and for a difference we decided to use the breastplate, which we call, un-ironically, ‘sweatage’. The look came out like a posh girl going on a date, and I loved it. Lots of shots with a glass of red wine, clutching her handbag. Again, squeeeeee.

Pictured – serious brain fizz with this one as I really fancy her. I mean me. I’ll go lie down.

So, before the half marathon, I’m off to Manchester for a bit of fun with Patti; still feeling a little overweight but pretty sure I can burn off some calories tottering down Canal St in way-too-high heels.

Anyway, hope this didn’t come off as a sales-pitch for OnlyFans; I’ll be putting a lot of the archive up on there, including some of the more erotic experimentation.

Stay beautiful and buy that dress you’ve been looking at; you know you want to.

Pictured – now excuse me, I have to tie on my pretty little apron and cook hubby his dinner. I wish.