If I have one regret, and hell, I have a few, it’s that I really fall foul of the standard guilt-ridden T-Gurl archetype. I get great joy from dressing, and then after a month or so of ruminating I get guilt which is often followed by the short-term cathartic exercise of purging all my girlie things.
Why on earth do we do this?
I don’t want to come off like a poor-man’s self-help tape but in the grand scale of things what have we to be guilty about? It’s a fashion choice for some of us, rather than a lifestyle choice, and both of those are entirely the remit of the individual. But we do – I’ve seen countless stories of guilt-ridden gurls tossing collections of shoes, frocks, wigs, undergarments, the whole hog.
For me it’s the upbringing. I’m not blaming my parents, I decided a long time ago that their values and my values were a different kettle of fish, but for some reason there’s a deep nugget of good old fashioned catholic-style guilt in the middle of my brain that says it’s just WRONG.
But it’s not. I pride myself on being a non-sexist but occasionally I do get a flare of jealousy around the fact that we, as a society in the western hemisphere, have embraced feminism well but not trans-feminism.
Some days I wake up and I don’t want to be the middle-aged cynic who has all of his clothes in four plastic boxes (in case you’re interested – socks/pants/t-shirts/other). I want to be the ditzy housewife in a comfortable tea-dress. I want to be the flirty girl in a slightly too-short dress. But that’s not a culturally acceptable option at this point.
Granted, we’ve got it good right now. There’s a ground-swell of popular interest in trans-rights, freedom of gender and the like (although the US is being a little, err, intransigent in some states), we’ve got the internet which gives us shy-shoppers access to whatever we want to buy. We’ve got good social options, we’ve got current media interest and support.
But there’s still that little demon in the back of my head who I have to keep under control with frequent beatings. He’s the one that says ’empty the closet so you can huddle back in there’.
So going back to my one regret – there are many, many beautiful outfits that I binned that I’d love to have again. On the plus side, more room in the closet for new frocks.
So, ending on a semi-serious note – if you’re like me (and sorry if you are) then just remember that it’s not a flaw. It’s a bonus – you get to experience both sides of the gender gap. When you’re done dressing you can go back to the male-centric society as ‘one of them’. And when you’re dressing you can enjoy the emotions, the feel, the smell, the rush of being a girl. And that’s a girl with an ‘i’.
Stay beautiful, sweeties….